Profanities in the Park

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It was one of those perfect parent days. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, the park was bustling with excited children and proud parents and I had a coffee in my hand which also helped to make things perfect. I was rubbing shoulders with some of the other Dad’s essentially boasting about how wonderful Max is. I chose Dad’s whose children looked younger or a bit slower than my own.

I was waxing lyrical about his genius like ability to make noises with his mouth otherwise known as words. I was recently informed that Border Collie’s can learn and memorise over 1000 words. In reality Max is probably at the same level as a Toy Poodle who surely only understand “Jump in the handbag we’re off out for lunch, no poops it’s Gucci darling”. Sincerest apologies to any Toy Poodle loving readers, I’m sure they are blessed with many good qualities, the poodles I mean. But I pumped The Boy up to Lassie level.
The other Dad’s looked suitably impressed with my child’s unique ability to actually say things, looking on despondently at their own dribbling, crawling, gaga’ing offspring. “I was reading a study recently that suggested that this sort of genius behaviour is generally down to the father and their parenting strategies”. More nods of approval. “They say that not every father has the abil…”

The Boy – “I wanna f@ck”

“Don’t we all? I will dismiss that as a sleep deprived hallucination, you couldn’t have actually just said that”

The Boy – “I wanna f@ck, I wanna f@ck”

“I beg your pardon? You’re 2 years old and your only romantic inclinations to date have been towards your toy truc……………….oh you want your truck”

And off Max toddles to retrieve his toy truck from the bottom of the slide. Feeling that all eyes were on me, judgmental parent eyes (the very worst kind) at that, I felt the need to explain.

“It’s okay, nothing to see here, he just wanted his truck, he’s struggling a bit with the ‘tr’ and the ‘f’. Count yourselves lucky that it wasn’t a dump truck. Max get your truck we’re leaving.”

Is it me or are children masters at setting you up for spectacularly embarrassing falls? When has your child dramatically dropped you in it? What’s been your most embarrassing child inflicted moment?

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  • Mumabulous

    I can happily say that Team Abulous has reached the stage where the parents are embarrassing the offspring more than the other way around. Having said that P1 is fond of a little ditty she tells me she made up herself. It goes “Bad pussy, Bad pussy, Bad pussy, Bad pussy. What are you doing to do next? Are you going to jump the fence? Bad pussy”. She’s nearly six and has no idea that pussy refers to anything other than a domestic pet. After Dadab and I roared with laughter we told her she should change it to “bad kitty”. Meanwhile P2 nearly reduced Dadab’s to tears when she announced that ducks F@*k all day long – we’re having a little trouble differentiating Q’s and F’s.
    Keep Truckin’ DDU.

    • daddownunder

      I wet myself a little bit Brenda due to P1′s musical offering – Bad Pussy. Good name for a feninist punk band I reckon?

  • Mary J

    My lad used to walk around with a stick in his hand saying “I have a dick” and variations on this theme when he was about 2. The other hilarious thing they both did was drop the f-bomb in the car (straight from their mother) at a similar age (and they knew they were parroting me). My lad used to also combine two of my favourite phrases “F@ck off, you’re in luck” as you do. Last Christmas he was also heard to say “Ho Ho Nothing” pre the big day, which was entirely his own phrase. Now at 4 (him) and 6 (her) the f-bomb seems to have left the vocabulary.

    • daddownunder

      That must be a relief Mary. I’m glad I’m not alone in raising potty mouthed toddlers, I will put it down to a phase and bring in a household swear jar ; )

  • Mum of Five Girls… (@VeronicaNeal101)

    ..LOL…my 4 year old spent all of Friday responding to every request I made to her with ‘….do you want a punch in the face….?’ awesome since we were out in public all day….and she is one very articulate child…..
    needless to say I stopped asking her anything pretty quickly !

    • daddownunder

      Wow, that’s a tricky one. I won’t ask where she got that one from : ) thanks for stopping by

  • robomum

    Hehe! This is so funny! Nothing too mortifying to contribute for once.

    • daddownunder

      You must be doing a Stirling job!

  • Julie

    My most proud parenting moments were when Tamika was in her 3rd-4th years and she would ask everyone if they had a penis or a gina. She once told a particularly unattractive lady that she must have a penis cause she was too fat to have a gina. I left the store wishing her speech was not so clear

    • daddownunder

      Mortified with a capital M. I would have picked her up and ran for it! Thanks for saying hi

  • Rory mouttet

    Seriously that got funnier and funnier. Extremely enjoyable read and yes they certainly know how to dump you on it.