Date Night Club – Date Night 4 Life Drawing on a Budget
In a bid to keep the flames of passion burning brightly I have propositioned Mrs Under with a fortnightly date night. Every two weeks I will book a baby sitter, take her out and show her a good time. The first rule of Date Night Club – you DO talk about Date Night Club! The second rule of Date Night Club is that restaurants, cinemas and bars are all banned, this is to be an unconventional Date Night. So there you have it, I will be giving you a full disclosure of what we get up to, where we got up to it and whether Mrs Under’s switch was flicked (that sounded like innuendo, it wasn’t).
Date Night – Saturday 22nd June
Venue – The Living Room
Cost – One man’s modesty
Dress Code – Erm, nothing but a teddy
So far all of the dates have involved a financial purchase, I don’t want Anna to get too used to the good life (that would be crazy) and so I wracked my brain for a cheap date. I had a vague notion that Anna used to like art way back in the olden days of school, someone may as well get some use out of all those art supplies we’ve been trying to force on Max.
“What could we draw?”
“I could draw you? It could be a life drawing”
“What’s a life drawing?”
“You basically take all of your clothes off and I draw you. You’re the one who’s trying to impress me on these dates after all”
“I’ll do it in the name of art”
The only person who is happy about the lack of heat in our house is Max, he runs around the house blowing steam from his funnel and pretending to be a steam engine. In other words you can see your own breath in our house right now. Besides the obvious health and safety concerns of sitting naked in an environment that is surely approaching freezing, I also have to consider that the final picture wouldn’t really do me justice so to speak.
After minutes and minutes of fierce negotiation it was agreed that I would be allowed one item to protect my modesty and provide some valuable warmth. Max has a teddy bear that is the right size to save my blushes and warm enough for the job. Now I know that it sounds a little bit wrong of me to cover my crown jewels with my son’s teddy, whose name by the way is Rockford, but it has long since been rejected and lives a sorry life at the bottom of his toy box and it’s in the name of art.
The first time I realised that this was one of the strangest dates I’ve ever been on was when I came out of the bathroom with a teddy bear gripped to my waist, Anna does her best not to wet her pants laughing but I suspect she might have a little bit. I double check that there are no hidden cameras and that all of the blinds are firmly closed. I take my place on the chair, the cold chair, and adopt a suitably artistic pose.
Anna composes herself and starts holding her pencil up at all different angles and squinting through one eye and leaning her head to the side in a way that suggests she might actually know what she’s doing. Who knows it might even look nice above the mantel piece or perhaps we could use it for this year’s Christmas cards? “Finished” says Mrs Under, a quick check of the microwave clock reveals she’s been at it for a whopping 10 minutes. Gosh she must be good to be able to churn out high quality pieces of art after only 10 minutes. I gently get up from the stool, taking Rockford with me, to check the finished piece.
I don’t know quite what to say. I probably would have preferred it if my right hand was visible because it’s quite hard to tell what its actually doing down there. I also look like I’ve had a botched boob job and a hobbit foot. When max saw it the next day he ran up and kissed it and said “I love you Daddy”. Oh well if it’s good enough for the boy it’s good enough for me.