Park Designer – My Dream Park

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Parents know best when it comes to their children. Parents also know best when it comes to children’s parks. I visit lots and often find myself shaking my head and asking “who designed this park? It couldn’t have been a parent”. Sometimes I say it out loud and people see me and don’t let their kids come too close. I’ve designed my own park, my Dream Park. Consider this a prospective application for the role of Park Designer.

Swings – My dream park has lots of swings, rows of them like a wind farm. The energy created by the swinging children would be converted into electricity to power the swings thus leaving parents free to check their status updates and capture those special Instagram moments. An electric fence would be put up around the swings to prevent kamikaze children from throwing themselves into the line of fire. Parents who stand right behind you whilst your child is reaching the  peaks of swing induced ecstasy and say things like “don’t worry Sophie, the little boy will finish shortly”, will be disposed of via a voice activated trap door.

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Slides – More thought needs to be put into the surface of a slide. Metal is not a good slide surface when hot metal slide meets toddler’s bottom, it’s like throwing a porterhouse onto a BBQ only much less delicious. Plastic slides that generate static electricity and deliver enough shock to make this grown man squeal out loud are also less than ideal. There will also be a machine dispensing acrylic tracksuits for those days when your child’s outfit has no slipperiness for the dippiness.

Cubby House – All parks need a cubby house, this is where children melt their parents hearts by whipping them up an imaginary soy flat white with fruit toast and vegemite. It’s wonderful that children have this amazing sense of imagination but wouldn’t it be better if the cubby house was a genuine hospitality training facility, producing the next generation of baristas? Children are never too young to learn so let’s learn them and let’s get some good coffee at the park while we’re at it.

A pit – Not a sandpit, more of a gladiatorial ring I suppose. All those ‘sharing disputes’ could just be settled in The Pit, either the children or the parents or both in some sort of tag team arrangement.

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Park Surface – There must be a good absorbent flooring to absorb the impact of the falling children, to soak up their blood and mop up their tears when “two more minutes” has run out and it’s time to leave.

Signs – Signs and lots of them to deter would be Magic Mike’s from using the monkey bars to flex their pecs, make groaning noises and generally sweat the whole place up in a flurry of pull ups. Ladies you might disagree with me on this one.

I drew a picture so any would be employers can visualise my creative genius and help make the dream a reality. What would your dream park look like?

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  • rick_farrar

    Dear Matt, this is a good try but I wouldn’t give up the day job. Tee hee.

  • http://lilybettandboy.blogspot.com/ Lilybett and Boy

    I am with you on the slippery dips. Those things could probably power the electric fence around the swings with the static they produce.

    • daddownunder

      Good thinking Elizabeth, cost cutting, I like it.

  • rhian @melbs

    I love the zombies in the pit! My kind of play park, that’ll sort the men from the boys! :-)

    • daddownunder

      Unfortunately for us I suspect we’re both boys Rhian