50 Keys of Black
On entering a bookshop the three of us tend to disperse to opposing corners of the store. Anna joins the other patchwork pretenders in the craft section, Max heads for the picture books after staring at the man behind the counter who doesn’t look like he enjoys the attention of small children and devoid of my own ideas I check what I ‘should’ be reading in the Staff Picks section.
After investing heavily in what I ‘should’ be reading, I endeavour to round up the troops. My attempts to explain to Max the subtle nuances between a library where you can borrow an infinite number of books and a book shop where you can pay an infinite amount of money fell on deaf ears so I scooped him up and made my way to the craft aisle. The aisle was still populated by lovely ladies cooing over babies mobiles made from twigs and egg shells but my wife was not amongst them.
I found her deep in what looked like thought down an aisle labelled “Erotic/Romance”. Of all the aisles in all the shop why did she have to go and choose this one? “Mummy Mummy” screams Max which breaks her concentration and leaves her looking flustered, the same look as when I walk in and she’s at the checkout on Etsy. She tries to wedge the book back into the shelf but not before I caught a glimpse of the cover. “50 Shades of Grey! Really?” She tells me she was just curious, I tell her it’s a load of rubbish and that she has the real thing, she stifles a giggle which leaves my ego feeling dented.
“I’ll write you your own 50 Shades, it can’t be that hard, just a lot of double entendres and a Thesaurus set to Ripped, Thrust, Throbbed and Pinned“. She jokes that I’m more in love with my keyboard and that maybe I should write one for ‘her‘ instead, so I did. If you’re not a fan of the 50 Shades books or you’re offended by a double entendre then now would be a good time to press abort, if you’re down with it, read on.
He sat down next to her. He’d been longing to get his hands on her for some time and finally his wife went to sleep and it was just him and her, alone at last. He studied her perfect black skin, her gentle curves and didn’t know quite where to start. He rested his fingers gently on her sides, he wanted to press her buttons but he decided to tease her a little first. He caressed each and every one of her keys, slowly, taking his time to make sure they all felt special.
His fingers gently circled the “n” and then the “o” and the “w”. In a flurry of fingers that thrust from the top and worked their way down he pressed and she relented and responded by letting out a serious of words, none of which made any sense. He wanted to press Enter, he moved in that direction but it was jammed, he pushed a little harder until he felt it give way and then………………………..”Keep the bloody noise down I’m trying to get some sleep” his wife woke up.
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