Kids Say The Funniest Things
Out of the mouths of babes comes some funny shit, that’s a saying right? I would like to tell you that I have a beautiful leather bound book titled “What Max Said” that I carry everywhere with me and keep close to my heart……but I don’t. What I have is Facebook records and a head that is throbbing in a way that says “whatever you do, do not ask me to do anything particularly taxing today”. Talking is still a fairly new concept for Max but that hasn’t stopped him serving up some crackers, in chronological order;
A career in advertising awaits Max, despite only being able to string 6 words together he just came up with “have a drink Daddy, have a wine”. Don’t mind if I do son.
Max – “Mummy goes to work”
Me – “Yes clever boy, Mummy does go to work”
Max – “Daddy goes to the park”
Me – “Erm, yes in a nutshell you’ve got it”
Sometimes I break all of the bedtime story rules, because I’m a parenting maverick, tonight I ‘read’ Max a National Geographic. We came to a picture of an African village complete with mud huts and a bit of hustle and bustle. “Farmers Market Daddy?” I have the most first world son in the world.
We walked past a couple of amorous teenagers yesterday getting all tongue-y with one another’s mouths. Max stopped and stared for a while before asking the girl “you kiss him better?” Yes Max he must have really hurt his face.
Max seems to have entered the ‘why’ phase. I was looking forward to the why phase, filling his little mind with lots of useful knowledge. Then he asked me quite loudly in the supermarket checkout “why the lady has a big bottom” and now I am completely over the why phase.
“Men drink beer church?” Presumably he thinks a pub is somewhere people go to pray. Maybe he knows something I don’t?
Children are masters at using your words against you. After fobbing Max off many times with “Daddies working” as he attempts to grab the iPad, he now helps himself to an episode of Peppa Pig and points out that “Maxie’s working, I need to do some more work”. Child 1 – Dad – 0
of all the things you do, most of which are utterly lovely, the one that I most wish you would stop doing is crying for your Mum when you have a supermarket meltdown. We tend to be surrounded by other Mums and it makes your Daddy feel a bit of a dick.
Every time we enter our local library, we pass a nude statue of a lady tastefully sprawled out horizontally. The deadly silence of a library is broken by Max shouting “look Daddy there’s Mummy”. Cue disapproving looks from librarians
“I need a poo daddy….I started poo’ing daddy………daddy I started poo’ing……I’m still poo’ing daddy…….I finished poo’ing daddy” – Pooh commentary.
“Don’t like eggs Daddy” Slightly smug feeling as toddler tells Dad he doesn’t like eggs while ploughing through an omelet.
As well as my usual goodnight kiss, Max managed “love you moon and back”. Okay so Anna probably spent bath time feeding him his lines and Microsoft Word would definitely underline that sentence in green and tell you it’s fragmented but I’ll take it.
After trying a few parent tricks to get Max eating his dinner I resorted to the classic “train and tunnel routine”. Only this time he said – “that’s not a train it’s a fork and that’s not a tunnel it’s my mouth”.
Max – “What’s that Daddy?”
Me – “It’s a mole”
Max – “An animal?”
Me – “No not that sort of mole. Sometimes words can mean two different things.”
Max – “It digs your face”
Me – Not that sort of mole
Max – Muddy hole?
Me – Alright there is a mole in my face that has dug a muddy hole beneath my face
Max – Why?
DDU – “Not that sort of mole”
M – “Muddy hole?”
DDU – “Alright, there is a mole in my face that has dug a muddy hole beneath my lip”
M – “Why?”
The literal world of children strikes again – “there’s a sausage in the fridge with your name all over it”. 5 minutes later I find Max on the kitchen floor examining a sausage – “no have name Daddy”
Max has entered the wonderful phase of playing little imaginary games by himself. I just caught him clutching a cockerel figure and a train.
Train – what are you doing cockerel?
Cockerel – just cocking
For all of Facebook’s perceived evils, it’s been good to delve through time and have a record of the good, the bad and the ugly snippets of life with Max, mostly good. What has come from the mouth of your babe?